Fragile male. The problem of children raised domineering mother
The relationship between parents is one of the most important factors in the formation of our personality, psychologists believe. The negative experience received by the child in the family has a great influence on his subsequent life and even the lives of his own children. About the origins, consequences and solutions the most important problems of modern Russian family, and about where does feminism, RIA Novosti was told by the Professor of the Department of child and family psychotherapy, Moscow state University of psychology and education (msupe) Tatiana Gavrilova.
Psychologists interpret the rule either as authority or as a guide, leadership. Studying the family, it is impossible not to see that many problems are rooted in female headship.
If the woman is the leader, she's in charge, acting for the benefit of each member of the family. If she's reputable as a wife and mother, her trust, her leadership and recognize her husband and children. Authoritative mother usually loved by all family members.
But the power is authoritarian, not authoritative rule. Domineering woman requires submission to all members of the family suffer from a sense of duty. This is her drama: she can't count on love.
– The girl with the authoritarian traits will look for a partner who will submit to and obey. Similarly, boys and grown overbearing mother, will look for the new "owner".
Psychologists pay a lot of attention to how to help overcome the negative effects of home power. But, unfortunately, a powerful woman will not go to psychotherapy.
Most effectively addressed at the formation stage of the family. There are both individual and group therapy, allows the correction of child-parent relationships or to develop the girl more feminine and boys more masculine.
Female supremacy is a product of history. We remember that during my wedding, saying: "let the wife fear her husband." In the traditional culture it was assumed that the wife occupies a subordinate position. Only in extraordinary cases such as the merchant family, some crazy wild boar, as the audience, can take family power in their hands.
The female headship has an extensive history, but the roots of the current situation lie, I think, in the October revolution – that's when the humiliated, dependent family woman acknowledged a full-fledged citizen. We remember, as women flooded into the revolution EN masse, as girlfriends and wives of fighters. They were quickly taught to read and write, admitted to men's occupations: a woman sat behind the wheel of a tractor, an aircraft, engaged in public education and so on.
Those terrible sacrifices that demanded men of the revolution and civil war, collectivization and the Stalinist terror, the Great Patriotic war took the young and strong. Place the men took the woman: she became the head of the family, educating both boys and girls, taking on the organization and material support. It developed in a woman masculine traits – rigidity, perfectionism.
For decades several generations in a row masculina woman formed a family. The girl she gave example of male behavior, and the boy was misled as to what characteristics of a woman. He grew up in is full of uncertainty: power, authority are all ladies?
In such families the man is isolated from education: it gradually moves, and he agrees, not fighting for it to fully affect the child. Fortunately, I think, now the situation has improved markedly. I'm very happy to see so many happy boys who know what it is – a loving father.
– In the 70-ies of the family was going through a serious crisis, especially towards the end of the Brezhnev period, when it began the collapse of the Soviet monolith. Dramatically increased the number of divorces, and, according to sociology, most often the initiators were women. It was then that the phenomenon of single mothers started to become familiar. Society is ripe to accept a woman as such.
It is a historical breakthrough 90-ies – socio-economic, cultural – has introduced a lot of new values. During the Soviet regime was the main team: family, class, labor brigade. Only team people were people. In the 90s also came a new understanding of freedom and personality, opened new horizons and opportunities – sometimes in ugly and stupid areas.
Made possible what was unthinkable for my generation – to get away from his authoritarian mother in a kind of free floating. Both girls and boys much earlier began to enter into sexual relationships, are freer and braver to leave the family. The family itself has changed so much that there was even a deliberately childless marriage.
– During this period, experts increasingly noted the phenomenon of the so-called bessagnet – and bessagnet forced. Those who never can marry in common, usually that they have incredibly high expectations of men. It must be the Prince, the perfect male creature that embodies – how is a woman-alone – time more masculine traits.
This does not mean that it needs to be tough, masculine, macho – not at all, as she "read" his books and "spotted" from the movies. This problem was characteristic of our culture is always, in one way or another. For example, my generation: the post-war fatherless boys and girls in the schools studied separately, we did not know, looks like a man. But modern single know – they just do not respect modern man that usually grows from the fact that they did not respect his father.
These women have a conflict between how they represent collective man of his society and the mind's ideal that they have for themselves. In my experience, this ideal is completely unrealistic, fantastic. This is the problem of girls growing up have overbearing mothers: they are accustomed to seeing masculine authoritarian mother, and lethargic henpecked father whose mother is not respected.
Here comes to the fore the problem: we have lost the cultural idea of femininity.
– Female – flexible choice decisions and behaviors. It is reasonable and will not Balk at the absurd fancy, she is attentive to emotions, States and problems of loved ones. It will not pass by a distressed person. She knows how to build relationships and resolve conflicts, trust her.
She can be relied upon in a situation of collapse – it will pick up, raise. She is firm, but not hard. Female male hardness and strength are two different things. A woman can insist on, if this will require the benefit of others – for example, to keep the teenager from the wrong step.
Where did it come from? It is very difficult. But even the overbearing mother may be a feminine girl. Can impact and natural conditions, and unrealized traits of the mother or, for example, will affect the grandmother, the aunt or the babysitter.
Father can do a great deal of his affection is very important, even if the mother tries to exclude it from education. I'll say this: at any age hug, kiss daughters is always a joy. What would be a defeat not suffered by the woman or girl, male affection and love, and recognition of women in it will always be very strong support. But mother would never do that, never show such feelings.